Can a Hug Be More Than a Hug?

In our ongoing quest to learn to live with the long-term impact of losing a child to suicide, both my wife and I have found our own outlets to chart our paths forward. Sometimes we move together, and sometimes individually. Both are important as we search for ways to make peace with the reality of our situation.

If you’ve seen any of our posts on social media, it will no doubt appear as if we live charmed lives. We travel, we laugh, we get to experience new places with old friends and new, and we are in the midst of celebrating the truly joyous engagement of our youngest daughter Madison and her wonderful fiancé Emma. But as is true of anybody, the things that don’t get posted are the hard parts. The still-shocking ability for an image, a song, a smell, or a random memory to stop us in our tracks. More than six years after losing Rivena, there is still not a single day that goes by when she isn’t at the top of our minds.

So, in the spirit of what this blog has always been about, I want to discuss kindness in its purest form today. And more specifically, what my wife Kim has done and continues to do to exemplify kindness as she works to find her own way forward.

Introducing Kim

Anybody who meets my wife is guaranteed to come away with the unmistakable feeling that she is a kind, loving person who truly cares about people. Truth be told, even after more than 30 years of marriage I’m still a little baffled by how I was lucky enough to end up with her. Our kids hit the jackpot with what kind of mom they got. Ironically, as I write this, I’m sitting in a local public library watching a small moms’ group meeting on the patio just outside. Kim was the mom who was in the library with our kids every week, whether for an organized Storytime event or just to pick out a new stack of books to read with the kids in the coming week.

She volunteered to chaperone all the class field trips. She organized the school’s annual book fair. She planned the classroom parties. She had the kids in every youth activity imaginable and somehow pulled off getting them to practices, rehearsals, games, concerts, and birthday parties while I traveled for work four days a week. Kim was the girl scout leader who nurtured her troop from toothless Brownies all the way to high school graduates. And she did all of it because she actually wanted to. She never gave off the “I’m sick of this” vibe. Being a mom was her calling.

In a nutshell, Kim was the mom any kid would love to have, because there was never any question as to her willingness to support, love, and nurture her kids. Unequivocally and unconditionally.

Unfortunately, unconditional love is not always a given

We as a family have, out of necessity, come to learn so much about the LGBTQ+ population. And I’d be the first to say that I’m still learning. As is the case for many families like ours, we didn’t know what we didn’t know when our kids both came out. But in the years since, we’ve come a long way in trying to see, accept, love, support, and advocate for our kids. I won’t go so far as to say I understand – not because I don’t want to, but because as a straight, cisgender man, I can’t know what it is to be gay, bi, queer, or trans. What I can absolutely understand, however, is love.

And in any segment of society, love is love. Love does not need to be bound by gender. It does not need to be bound by how someone identifies. As it says in one of the most over-quoted passages in the New Testament, “Love is patient. Love is kind.” If you’ve ever been to any Christian-based wedding, you’ve undoubtedly heard that verse from 1: Corinthians.

How, then, can parents and families turn their backs on their own? A research study published by The Trevor Project in January of this year found that among LGBTQ+ young people, only one-third experience parental acceptance, with another third experiencing parental rejection and the final third not coming out until they are adults. So, if a third of these young people feel rejected at home, combine that with data from a 2009 study published in the journal Pediatrics which found lesbian, gay and bisexual young adults who report high levels of parental rejection to be eight times more likely to attempt suicide.

It’s no wonder why so many in this community seek refuge in their chosen families rather than their actual families… they self-select into affirming environments out of a basic need for self-preservation.

And the kicker in all of this is that it ultimately boils down to love, and a family’s ability or inability to see it as such… whether it comes in the form of love for another (Lesbian, Gay, Bi) or strong enough love of self to be true to one’s own identity (Trans, Queer, +).

Enter Free Mom Hugs

Like I said at the outset, Kim and I have each found our own way of working through our grief. For me, writing is my go-to way to process the things swirling around in my head. For Kim, she sought out ways to actively promote kindness in Rivena’s memory.

And that’s where Free Mom Hugs entered the picture. If you’re like me, you may have seen a sign or a t-shirt with the words Free Mom Hugs on it but may not know any more than that. In the aftermath of Rivena’s loss, Kim stumbled across this organization who put themselves out there as providing affirming support for people like Rivena by doing something so incredibly simple: giving a hug.

Founded by a mom who had initially turned her back on her own gay son, Free Mom Hugs has a mission of “Empowering the world to celebrate the LGBTQIA+ community through visibility, education, and conversation.” And according to their own stated values, “The foundation of everything we do is motivated by unconditional love.” Sound familiar?

Kim volunteered at her first Pride event with Free Mom Hugs about 5 years ago and came home moved to tears. I still remember her sharing how the experience hit her. She was completely exhausted from being on her feet all day. She was hot, sweaty, and covered in glitter (it was a Pride event, after all) as she began telling me about how her day unfolded. She probably hugged a hundred people that day, most of whom were jovial, festive, and fun.

But there were a couple hugs that were different. They were characterized by what began as quiet tears by the person receiving the hug, and evolved into full-on uncontrollable sobbing, with the recipient holding on like nothing else in the world mattered. The kind of tight hug you’d expect only from close friends or family.

As Kim recounted the stories, there was a familiar thread; each of them had in some way lost the love and affirmation of a family member.

The daughter whose father hadn’t spoken to her in three years. The trans woman whose own affirming mother died a few months earlier.

Describing these interactions that really hit home, Kim began to tell me through her own tears how good it felt to be able to be there for someone else who was struggling, even as she dealt with her own feelings of loss toward Rivena. Feeling love and affirmation from others is a basic human need and being able to give that love and affirmation can in its own way be a gift to the giver. All of us, at some point, need to feel loved.

When our daughter Madison joined Kim at this year’s Denver Pride wearing a “Free Sister Hugs” shirt, it also became evident that the love and affirmation so in demand wasn’t limited to love from a parent, as numerous people made a beeline for Madison so they could feel the love of a sibling. The simple fact Kim learned firsthand at that first event, and has since been reinforced though hundreds of interactions, is that something as simple as a hug has the power to be transformative.

What is it about a hug that is so powerful?

I won’t regurgitate the various medical journals that all seem to coalesce around the same basic facts, but there are a few things that researchers tend to agree on when it comes to why giving and receiving a hug can be so important.

First is the fact that a hug causes your body to release a hormone called oxytocin. Casually referred to as the “cuddle” hormone, oxytocin is linked to reduced levels of stress, reduced cravings, pain reduction, and healing. More importantly, this hormone tends to help with some of the trickier negative feelings like loneliness, isolation, and anger.

Second is the ability of a hug to be a natural antidepressant. Serotonin, the “feel good” hormone, is also released by the brain as the result of hugging. Do you battle things like fear and anxiety? Serotonin is the same compound many drugs use to help with mood disorders, but available in this case without a prescription.

If that’s not enough, greater immune response, greater self-esteem, lowered blood pressure, and reduced tension in the body are all medically documented side-effects of hugging.

But more than anything, a simple hug communicates in a way that words just can’t.

While I’m certainly not the expert on hugs that Kim has become, there are a couple that stand out for me to convey that wordless power of a hug.

The last time I hugged Rivena was as we left her at the South security entrance inside Denver International Airport for the return flight back to her Utah treatment program. The look in her eyes and the hug she gave me that day left me fearful it might be our last. One month and one day later, those fears proved to be correct. I subconsciously knew it at the airport but wanted so badly for it to not be true. And yet I am so grateful to have had that hug. Our last embrace was real, honest, and loving.

In a nod to my own mother, Karen, who has always been loving and affirming to me, Kim, and both of our kids, I cherish the hug I shared with her just a few weeks ago. She’s now in her seventh year of battling Parkinson’s and is fighting hard to maintain her quality of life against a disease that is slowly stealing her ability to do the things she enjoys. I feel fortunate to have gotten to make several trips to visit with her over the last few months, and each time I leave to return home I know both of us think there is a chance it may be the last time. I will savor that last hug we shared right up until we get to share another, as there was so much unspoken love in that one.

Can a hug be more than a hug? Yes

After Kim’s initial experience with Free Mom Hugs, it’s no surprise that in the years since, she has become one of the state leaders for the Colorado Free Mom Hugs chapter. She and her co-leaders have been responsible for coordinating huggers at more than 50 Pride events in Colorado so far in 2024, with thousands of hugs given. That’s an awful lot of love, tons of affirmation, and based on the stats, lots of lives potentially saved. I could not be prouder of what Kim continues to do to honor our own daughters.

I’ll close out today with the one hug that is yet to be. And it has potential to be the best one of all… the one that will come when I get to give Madison – and Emma – one hell of a dad hug on their wedding day. I love having something so special to look forward to.

 

 

A Parting Thought

Today would be Rivena’s 32^nd birthday. If you are so inclined, I ask you to help us celebrate by giving a hug to someone today and wishing her a happy birthday. And as you think about the decision we’ll be asked to make at the polls in November, keep in mind that one party’s candidate has consistently voiced inclusivity and affirmation toward the LGBTQ+ community, and the other party’s candidate has repeatedly voiced deep opposition to and falsehoods about gender affirming care and marriage equality. Like I wrote four years ago (Kindness, Politics, and Leaving the GOP), I can debate, bicker, and disagree on policies all day. But there is no room for negotiation on providing loving, affirming support for the people I love the most.

If you would like to get involved in Free Mom Hugs in your area, find a local chapter on their website at https://freemomhugs.org. They welcome moms, dads, brothers, sisters, allies, friends… anybody who cares about providing love and affirmation to the LGBTQ+ community.

 

Author’s note: The views expressed here are my own, and are in no way related to or endorsed by Free Mom Hugs.